19

Teaching Kids to be Good Losers?

Confidence

Confidence

Ok, I admit it.  I hate losing.  I hate losing even more when I know i don’t have a chance to win.  I have played hockey since I was in preschool and I continue to play to this day and I have always tried to play at my level or slightly higher.  If I found myself in a game in which there was absolutely no chance of winning, I often disengaged and made a joke about the game (picture me and some buddies from high school playing in a 3 on 3 tourney against a bunch of ex-pro’s… it happened and it wasn’t pretty).

Because of my stance on awards, people make assumptions that I am opposed to competition.  People who have played sports with me or for me know that I truly love what can result from a positive athletic experience.  Here is the thing, though… I love competing when it is my choice and when it is at a level that is  challenging and there is a (even small) chance for success.  I do not enjoy being thrown into a competition in which I have no choice and I have very little skill compared to others (think – me in a trades competition… yikes). I would rather practice, set goals, compete against myself, and gain some confidence.  If I choose to compete following this, I will likely enjoy it. (note: I also know that as a coach trying to build a program, we purposefully faced competition that was way beyond our skill level once in a while but our goal was different.)

So this is why I REALLY struggle with all the articles and posts going around that say “we need to teach kids to lose” and “we need to have our kids in highly competitive environments so they are ready for the real world“; I also struggle with the ones that state “all competition is bad for kids“.  What do these statements even mean?  They are surface level comments that often end there and do not allow us to go deeper into the discussion around learning.  I think much of what we do falls in the middle and this dichotomy of all ‘competition vs no competition’ misses the point of what we are really trying to do: teach skills and build confidence and resiliency.

When we state, “we need to teach kids to lose”, we make a huge assumption of what “losing” means and that our kids live in a world in which they never lose.  Kids lose every day.  Some kids come to school have had losses before they enter the doorways. If they lost the battle to have a mother and father… if they lost the battle to have a breakfast… if they lost the battle to have a good friend… if they lost the battle to be a “typical” child (whatever that means)… and yet, they still come to our school with a smile on their faces – are we supposed to teach them to be better LOSERS?

What we really need to be talking about is the need to foster a growth mindset (Dweck), develop self-confidence, teach resilience, and help our kids understand what to do when they set a goal and we do not achieve it. (feel free to insert the buzzword “grit” anywhere here).

Confidence.  It’s what it is all about.  I am not talking about self-esteem, I am taking about self-confidence. Telling kids they are great or giving or setting them up for fake victories may give them some self-esteem but this will quickly disappear when faced with an authentic challenge.  We need to work to develop real confidence and resiliency. When we are confident enough and are provided with a safe environment, we take risks, we fall, we reset, and we keep moving toward our goal.  Rosabeth Moss Kanter writes,

“…at the beginning of ever winning streak there is a leader who creates the foundation for confidence that permits unexpected people to achieve high levels of performance” (via Tom Schimmer)

So if we move the discussion beyond the idea of teaching kids to be losers (and a few winners) and we focus more on confidence and resilience, how do we actually do this as parents and teachers?  Here are some of my thoughts (and please feel free to add yours in the comments below – would love to learn more ideas)

  • Teach about a growth mindset – that intelligence and skill levels are not fixed… that humans are malleable and can learn any skill with purposeful practice.
  • Provide a safe environment for taking risks. Don’t catch them when they fall but provide a smaller fall and guide them on how to respond when they fall.  Check out Sheila Stewart’s excellent post on this.
  • Help our kids to set personal goals that are focused on growth and do not depend on beating someone else.  We cannot control what others do… if we win because we defeat someone with less skill level, is this a success?
  • “Get them on a winning streak” (Tom Schimmer). Provide enough teaching, guidance, and practice so that kids can achieve small victories.  Many of our kids have lost in school for a number of years and therefore, have no confidence and become disengaged.  By “over preparing them” (Schimmer) and creating authentic victories based on personal goals, we can increase confidence.
  • Embrace their strengths and support the deficits. Every child can be successful at something so find out skills in which our kids have confidence (or are interested in) and key on those strengths and use this as a platform to change the trajectory of their learning.
  • Meet them where they are.  Back up to where our kids can have success (or move forward so they can be challenged).  As Kanter writes, “Expectations about the likelihood of eventual success determines the amount of effort people are willing to put in.”   If students are faced with a task in which they believe that there is a chance of success , engagement and effort will increase.
  • If you are going to use competition, provide choice and work to place kids at a level that challenges them and provides an opportunity for success.

Let’s move away from (and beyond) the talk about teaching kids to be good losers.  It is a generalized statement and we have no idea what “losing” means to each child.  We can teach sportsmanship and respect but, in my experience, I have never succeeded in becoming a “good loser”.  Let’s go deeper and talk about confidence and what happens when we do not meet our goals.  Let’s meet kids where they are, provide a safe and challenging environment in which risk taking and making mistakes is encouraged… as long as we use it to become better.

I don’t want my kids to become “successful losers” (huh?).  I want my kids to grow up and become confident learners.  I want them to know their strengths and be aware of their areas they need to work on.  I want them to take risks and fall… and when they do, have the support and self-confidence to get back up and try again.  I am sure I will continue to make mistakes as a parent and teacher but I will continue to reset and try again. With the aforementioned developed skills and support from family and teachers, I know there is a good chance our kids will achieve more success and eventually lead a worthwhile life… which is defined by them.

I would love to hear more ideas and thoughts on this… feel free to share and/or leave a comment below.

@chriswejr

 

 

13

Is a School Awards Ceremony the BEST We Can Do?

Questioning Awards

I was recently asked by educator Larry Ferlazzo to share my views on awards ceremonies as part of his article on Ideas for The Last Two Weeks of School. Here are my thoughts:

The final few weeks of school are often the time for meeting, choosing, and awarding the winners at our schools.  Three years ago, our school made the decision to move away from awards ceremonies and consider other ways to honour all of our students.

Although I believe we need to move away from awards I also know this is a difficult decision in most schools as there are often lengthy traditions of trophies and awards.  I am not advocating we lower expectations nor am I stating that every child should get some “top _____ award”; however, as we observe our formal year-end awards ceremonies, I strongly encourage you to reflect upon the following questions:

  1. How many students have strengths and have put forth great efforts but are not awarded?

  2. What impact does a child’s parents, culture, language, socioeconomics and current/previous teachers have on the winners/losers?

  3. Does choosing a select few students as winners align with our school mission and vision?

  4. Are there other ways we can honour and showcase excellence?

  5. Is there a specific criteria or standard that must be met to achieve the award?  If yes, then can more than one person be honoured or is it simply about awarding one person that is better than his/her peers in a specific area chosen by the school?

  6. How does a quest for an individual award align with a culture that encourages teamwork and collaboration?

  7. If we honoured and showcased student learning in a variety of ways throughout the year, would a year -end awards ceremony be necessary?

  8. Do students have a choice on whether or not they enter this competition?

  9. If awards are about student excellence and motivation in the “real world”, why do we not host awards ceremonies for our top children in our homes?

  10. If we are seeing success in encouraging inquiry-based learning, focusing on formative assessment and fostering a growth mindset, how can we defend a ceremony that fosters a fixed mindset and mainly showcases winners often based on grades and/or scores?

I believe we need to honour and highlight achievements and student learning but I wonder… is an awards ceremony that recognizes only a select few, and is often held a few days before our students leave, the BEST we can do?

Here are some ideas to consider:

  • Host celebration of learning events throughout the year (or one at the end of the year) in which students highlight/share examples and demonstrations of a key part of their learning.

  • Host honouring assemblies in which each student is recognized at a point during the year not through an award but through stories and examples of his/her learning, strengths, and interests

  • Encourage class/department events in which each class showcases and shares areas they have been highlighting in their learning

  • Combine the above events with parent/family luncheons so more time can be spent sharing the stories.

  • Share online the wonderful work students and staff do in our schools. Provide digital windows that highlight various stories of learning.

Although there is no single best way to acknowledge the efforts and achievements of our students, we must be aware of our school traditions and cultures and also work together to reflect upon and challenge current practices to create positive change that seeks to honour ALL of our students.

For links to posts on awards ceremonies from a variety of parents and educators, please check out Rethinking Awards Ceremonies.

 

13

Lessons From My Father

Seeing how Father’s Day is nearing, I felt that I would take this time to reflect on some of the key lessons that I learned from my dad, Glenn Wejr.  My dad has spent his life bouncing from career to career but this was not because he fared poorly in that specific career but because he wanted to try something different; he has worked as a retail clerk, teacher, coach, business owner, school board trustee, realtor, and real estate developer.  Through all of these ventures, he learned some key lessons; the following is a list of lessons that he shared with me that have impacted the way I lead my life:

Father and son and our wives.

Father and son and our wonderful wives.

  1. Keep your head up when you cross the blue line, head down when you are teeing off; keep your elbow in when making a jump shot and you elbow out when swinging at the pitch. My dad was my coach in almost every sport.  He was the official coach for many and the behind-the-scenes-late-at-night coach for others sports.  As an athlete he excelled in basketball, baseball, and curling and for sports like hockey, he learned the sport and volunteered his time to coach the teams in which I was involved.
  2. Pick your team based on their personality and character, not based on their present ability. Every year that my dad came home from the meetings where they place players on teams, I would always be upset because I would say, “they have all the best players, why didn’t you pick any of them?”  Every year he would respond in the same way , “the players on our team are coachable, you wait and see.”  Every year we would start out losing to the other teams but by the end of the year, because of the focus on effort and attitude, we would end up being victorious and proud as a team.
  3. Praise effort, not ability – don’t praise too often, don’t be afraid to offer feedback on improvement.  As a child I was always frustrated because my dad never told me I was a good athlete or I was smart.  He just talked about working hard and spending time practicing.  I could go out and score a hat trick and on the ride home he would say, “you played really well, you worked hard, now make sure you don’t stop back checking once you get to the neutral zone.”  Sometimes I just wanted him to tell me I was the best hockey player; now that I know the importance of praising effort (through my experience as well as listening to experts such as Carol Dweck), I am thankful for the way he praised me.
  4. Give back to your community. My dad has been heavily involved in volunteering to coach and organize endless leagues as well as giving his time to things like the volunteer fire department and the International Order of Canadian Foresters.  Through his modeling, I became involved in coaching in high school and this carried right through until recently.  I still take opportunities to work with kids at lunch and after school and these ‘coaching’ moments are often the best part of my day.
  5. See people for who they are.  As a very young child, I remember being afraid of people who appeared to be different.  A man named Alan always used to come into my dad’s sporting good store and visit with him.  Alan had a mental disability and appeared very different to me.  In order to help me understand, my dad often invited me to come along and do things with the two of them; by doing this he showed me that yes, Alan was different – but he was also an amazing person.  Another example involves a man named Franco.  Franco also had a mental disability and, too, spent many hours just visiting with people in my dad’s store.  Franco ended up being almost a part of our family; he played ball with us, watched my hockey games, and ended up curling on my dad’s curling team.  Unfortunately, both Alan and Franco left us far too early but the lessons they taught me will remain with me forever.  To see the tears from my dad as he gave the eulogy at Franco’s memorial service made me not only proud to call him my dad but so thankful that he introduced me to Franco.
  6. Tell people you love… that you love them. My grandfather never told my dad he loved them until he was 75 years old and in his final years.  My dad has never been afraid to let us (my sister, Lindsay, and I) know how important we are to him and although we probably already knew it, it sure is nice to hear it.
  7. Some lighter lessons: Snakes are the scariest things on earth and it is ok for kids to see you protecting yourself with a lawnmower, Canucks will win the cup… eventually, you will learn not to stick a key in an electrical outlet after only one attempt, eat your vegetables (except onions), consumer debt is bad, have your money work for you, and a sense of humour can get you through a lot of challenging times.

By no means is my dad perfect.  He has made many mistakes just like everyone else; what he has taught me through this is that it is ok to take risks, make mistakes, learn from them and use these to become a better person.  My dad and I are now closer than we have ever been and it is because of all these experiences and lessons that our relationship has become so strong.  As I move closer to fatherhood (this winter!), I truly hope that my kids can have a father like I had.

This may be the first and last blog my dad ever reads (he still does not believe in using bank cards) but I just wanted to let him know how much I appreciate all that he has taught me.

Happy Father’s Day Dad.  Love ya!

64

Death of an Awards Ceremony

This is the time of the year that most schools are meeting and arguing over who is the top student in a variety of categories; high schools have selected their valedictorian (mostly based on who has the highest grades) and majority of schools are gearing up for their annual awards ceremony.

Yesterday, at our staff meeting, a decision was made that will change the way we end the year at Kent.

If you are a person who believes school is all about grades and awards, I am afraid that you will not like the decision made by our school yesterday; if you are a person who loves the idea of the “proud parent of an honour roll student” bumper sticker, you may be frustrated by our school.

June 1, 2010 marked the end of a tradition at our school – a tradition that awarded top students not for their efforts and learning but for their grades and achievements. The staff at Kent School decided to abolish the “awards” part of the year end ceremony.

Academic award winners? No more.  Athletic award winners? Nope.  Honour roll ? Nuh uh.

Part of our school goal is “for each student in our school to recognize and develop his/her unique talents and interests…”.  The key words in this are “each student”.  We do not want to just recognize those that excel in specific areas, we want to recognize EACH student for the areas in which he/she excels.

As a school, we need to move away from the traditional educational hierarchy that says those students who excel in language arts and maths are more important than those who excel in fine arts. We need to move away from recognizing only those students who have figured out the “game of school” and know how to “do” school well.

What motivates students? Grades (and honour rolls) or learning? There are many students that are unfortunately only motivated by grades.  This is not their fault, it is what has been taught to them.  The comments such as “if you want an A, you must do this…” or “if you do this, you will lose marks” have taught students that grades and achievement is more of a priority than learning.  Grades are extrinsic motivators while learning results in more intrinsic motivation.  So, do we want students to motivated by grades or learning?  Learning!

When I ask our grade 4 students what the honour roll is, they have not a clue, nor do they care. Yet, in the past we have awarded certain students for getting good grades by giving them a certificate and telling them that they made this esteemed club called the honour roll. By doing this, what are we teaching kids? Are we not teaching them that it is not so much the process of learning that is important but it is the resulting grades and report card marks?

Carol Dweck, in her book Mindset, talks about the difference between praising students for their effort and ability. If we praise students for “being smart” or “being athletic”, research says that we create students who are afraid to take risks and usually shy away from challenges. What kind of students do we want – those that rise to the challenge and take risks or those that believe that what they can or cannot do is ‘fixed’ and based on how ‘smart’ they are.

Alfie Kohn (referenced in the “For the Love of Learning” blog by Joe Bower) sums it up nicely when he writes this about awards:

“…researchers have found that children who are frequently rewarded — or, in another study, children who receive positive reinforcement for caring, sharing, and helping — are less likely than other children to keep doing those things.

In short, it makes no sense to dangle goodies in front of children for being virtuous. But even worse than rewards are awards — certificates, plaques, trophies, and other tokens of recognition whose numbers have been artificially limited so only a few can get them. When some children are singled out as “winners,” the central message that every child learns is this: “Other people are potential obstacles to my success.”Thus the likely result of making students beat out their peers for the distinction of being the most virtuous is not only less intrinsic commitment to virtue but also a disruption of relationships and, ironically, of the experience of community that is so vital to the development of children’s character.”

So what will our year-end ceremony look like?  Each grade 6 student will be honoured and recognized for their strengths, talents, and/or interests.  There will be no honour roll, no academic winners (and losers), no athletic award winners (and losers) and no recognition that one student’s talents are better than another.  The focus will be on EACH student and not just CERTAIN students.

In schools we always need to question and reflect on why we do things.  Why do we present awards to certain students?  What does this do to help learning in schools?  Why do we state that proficiency in math is more important than excelling in theatre?  How do we motivate our kids?  When our answers to these questions do not place student learning at the forefront, we need to change the way we do things.   At Kent School, we have by no means solved all that is concerning with education, but we have made a step forward.

For another blog on thoughts on the idea of “valedictorian”, please read Eric Sheninger’s blog “Recognizing the Valedictorian in All”

Thank you to Roxanne Watson (my previous principal & one of my mentors) for helping to fuel the passion in this area and starting the conversation with our staff.